Super Human

I have always believed that Brian is a superhero.  From the day I met him I was positive.  He must be bulletproof (and when fighting crime 10 feet tall also). 

When we were introduced, I think the friend who made the introductions felt unsure about my choice.  You see, he had given me my choice of three policemen.  I had chosen the last one he thought I would.  He counseled me, "Heather--Brian is SuperCop.  He eats, sleeps and breathes his job.  Are you sure about this?"

It's funny, but I don't remember being that sure about much in my life before or since.  He was in the Gang Unit with basically a completely opposite schedule from mine, but I had to have that man in my life.  And I stayed stubborn on that point for many, many years...well, haven't changed on that point, actually.

The last few days Brian has been up to his SuperCop stuff again....  He's keeping odd hours, following robbers around hoping to catch them in the act.  He's trying hard not to be tired, but it's catching up to him a bit. 

His hair is thinning out more and more every day and I think he's doing whatever he can to prove to himself that he can still do what he wants to do at work.  That he's not all that sick.  I think the hair thing has been such a big deal to us because bald=sick in our minds.  That may or may not be the right way to look at it, but after sitting in the chemo room all day, the people with no hair definitely do not look WELL. 

BALD is another dose of cancer reality that we would be happy to avoid.  We have been quite happy (relatively speaking) the last few weeks.  BALD means more acceptance of what we are experiencing.  (Besides, he is leaving hair EVERYWHERE!)

My SuperCop is more of an In-the-Moment kind of guy, so though we talk every day about things,I hope we are talking enough for him to be able to work through things. 

Brian and the guys, despite their best efforts, did not catch the bad guys during their stake outs this week.  I do hope though that he feels like he is still SuperCop.  He is my SuperCop for sure, and for the way he is taking all of this cancer stuff in stride...maybe even a little super human.

Does A Body Good?

Ok, so after working like a maniac today (it's the end of the six weeks, you know), I decided that working out could be put off no longer.  My friend Julie, the incredible shrinking woman, has been counseling me on my sensible meals and exercise.  She is a real success story in weight loss and an inspiration.  I believe she's lost 50 pounds...so this is my appointed task master.

After tutorials, I put a sign on the door not to disturb us and locked it.  I knew it wasn't going to be pretty;  I didn't want anyone busting in on us.  I even put paper on the little window...NO peeking, people!  I would soon be huffing and puffing like my high school alma mater's mascot (uh, that would be the buffalo). 

Julie cued up Gillian Michael's and her 30 Day Shred up on the big screen, we moved the furniture a little and away we went. 

Let me say up front that Ms. Michaels has put together a very nice little workout....but I am one out of shape little woman.  Holy crap.  I thought she had to be kidding every time she switched exercises so quickly even though Julie had tried to warn me. Now, on the one hand...it's pretty good that you only have to endure the exercise for a very limited time.  But inevitably, she returns to it.  Sigh. 

There aren't any pre-work out stretches to this workout and I didn't have any forethought on that one, so of course, ten minutes into the workout...I got a cramp...in my butt.  My left cheek.  Argh.  Well, isn't this special? Gillian is telling me to feel the burn...Oh I am, Gillian.  I am, but I don't think  it's quite what you had in mind. 

Finally the ol' cheek relaxed and I kept going.  Next Gillian wanted me to kick myself in the butt for my turn at cardio...well, yes...I'm definitely doing that and have been most of the day, week, year even, but Julie laughed and told me that she's pretty sure that metaphoric butt kicking doesn't count for cardio.  Dang! 

So, I started kicking my butt...feeling the burn.  Then the final straw was when Gillian saved the bicycle crunches for LAST!  My quads were jelly from her little lunges.  My arms were sore from my little 2 pound hand weights.  I've kicked myself in the butt and boxed imaginary opponents (twice).  And now she wanted bicycle crunches to FINISH the workout.  Oh go give yourself a butt cramp, Gillian!  I don't think so!  Not this time, anyway! 

Julie and I have another workout date tomorrow.  That is if I don't need assistance to get up from a sitting position from all these squats...that's probably going to bring on another butt cramp, you know. 

Relaxation

Today I had the opportunity to have a massage.  My sister-friends from grad school thought that I would need an hour of "Me Time" so they gifted me a massage.  I chose a Monday afternoon; it seemed like the perfect time to unwind.  I was right.  I think.

I went into the Tranquility Room to wait to for my therapist to call me for my hour of bliss.  And though I had to sit there with a girl dressed like it's still July with crazy eyes, I did start to relax.  I just didn't look at crazy-eyed girl with the straw purse...no one told her about the Labor Day rule, obviously. 

My highly-trained massage therapist soon came calling and off I went to our room.  I shimmied out of my clothes as instructed and assumed the position...face down on the table.  Bring it on! 

Susie Q came in to commence my hour of power and I drifted in and out of consciousness, feeling all the yucky stress and pain leaving my body...until all the rubbing, etc. brought up a fart...my eyes flew wide open and I squeezed my butt cheeks together.  This woman is doing a pretty thankless job.  The last thing she needs is a poot in her face.  I try to settle back in and relax, but all I can really think about is not letting one rip.  Finally, the urge seems to subside, so I relax again. 

Susie moves on to my legs...about the same time I realize with a certain degree of horror that I didn't shave my legs this morning because I was wearing leggings and in a hurry.  Dang it!  And as she moves down my leg to my feet I realize I didn't cut the snaggletooth toenail.  Crap!!  Hello Redneck Girl!  Got the name on the back of your belt?  Getting the massage today because of a long weekend preparing the deer lease?  GEEZ! 

And here comes Mr. Poot again.  How am I supposed to relax again with the gas bubble, snaggletoe, and hairy legs haunting me???  I bet crazy-eyed girl with the straw purse isn't having this problem.

I finally tell myself that I can't possible be the ickiest client this girl has ever had...I am not, in fact, a GUY.  So once again, I tell my brain to take a freakin' vacation for a minute and enjoy the time I have left in the hour of power.  And for once, it listens. 

And so this post is brought to you by a very relaxed and happy girl...who still needs to shave and cut that snaggletoe.  I'll get around to that tomorrow...probably.

Retail Therapy?

I spent the weekend shopping.  I had a splendid time with the two friends I spent the days with, and I found some cute clothes but something keeps nagging at me. 

I have gained quite a bit of weight since Brian and I got married...no, those of you who are shaking your heads and saying, "Oh you have not," are sweet, but the scale and my clothes from last year don't lie.  Neither does the ratzin, fratzin mirror.  So, I know one of the things nagging at me is the fact that right now, I have to buy these cute clothes in slightly larger sizes. 

Of course, I also bought a workout video and hand weigths as well.  I do have a plan.  Thank you for your wise counsel, Julie. My meal plan for tomorrow is already made. 

But I think what REALLY bugs me is that I can't cure what really ails me with retail therapy--even if I was currently a size 6. 

I can't MAKE Brian well.  I know he will BE well.  But I watched him count off on the calendar tonight when his treatments would be and I realized that they would only take place on those days IF he is well enough to have his treatments.  When I told him that, his sweet face fell and I didn't enjoy being the voice of reason.  The GROWN UP voice. 

I felt very out of sorts with my spending by the second store today (also probably because I only got paid Friday and it's Sunday.  I won't get paid again until Oct. 25th or so.) and I started to think about why. 

I hadn't bought anything I didn't like or wouldn't wear.  But I felt a little...angry.  And it's not Time For Aunt Flo...so I dug deeper.  Why am I upset?  Brian is sweeter than ever.  We get along better than ever.  Why am I upset?  We are planning for trips and the future.  Why am I angry? 

I can't fix it.  And I have to let it happen in its course.  I promise I've given it to God, but sometimes I have to go and check on it.  Not that it isn't being handled, but being the good Southern girl I am, I just want to help in any way I can.  And I know I am helping the only way I can. It just doesn't seem like enough. Brian is so patient. 

I'll tell you why I'm also annoyed and it's silly. I've said it before.  I don't like that I can't go to chemo on Friday.  I know I don't need to go.  There isn't any need for me to go.  Chris will entertain him just fine.  Yeah, I did say I know it's silly. 

So, I spent a lot of money this weekend and spent some quality time with good friends.  Time well spent, yes...money?  Hmmmm...check out my outfits this week...

All Grown Up

I've wondered for a long time when I would feel like a grown up.  I watched all my beautiful, younger cousins marry before me, and it was like a light switch was flipped in them.  It was like the next time I saw them, they knew things I didn't.  They seemed... grown up, and I did not feel the same way. 

I looked in the mirror and I saw the same girl every time that I had seen since high school.  So...when did it happen?  Brian and I had been dating for years...so, when would my switch be flipped?  And did I WANT it to be flipped?  My cousins appeared happy (a bit tired perhaps, especially after the babies started to arrive, but happy). 

And so life continued...

I'm not the most patient person on the planet, so I bought a little house, testing the waters...would this flip the switch?  Nope...I don't think so.  I love my little house, but I feel the same. 

Then one Christmas morning Brian proposed.  I thought the transformer blew, to be honest.  But, despite a few last minute hiccups that do not need to be rehashed, the wedding went off beautifully, he moved into my little house and life continued.

We started looking for OUR house, but again...didn't really feel different...just felt like I'd been through a lot of paperwork to get that long-awaited name change...is that the grown up look my cousins sport?  Surviving the social security office?

No, I suspect not. 

I think, unfortunately, I FINALLY stumbled onto the answer, though I think it's a little different for everyone.  You acquire that look when you have to take on the responsibilities your parents always took care of for you.  In my case, when Brian got sick, suddenly I am the one finding out about insurance, medicines, treatments, side effects, prognosis...I'm the one sitting patiently in hospital waiting rooms.  I had to be the one to tell Brian he did in fact have cancer. 

I almost wish there were still tickets available for us to Never Never Land.  Growing up hasn't been much fun, I have to say.  But we're here.  And it's not so bad.  At least I have acquired that long sought after Grown Up Look. 

Crazytown

This week has been a little hectic.  I feel like I'm drowning at work.  I've been behind all week and I'm still there..and the view from the back of the pack isn't appealing. 

Unfortunately, despite all the offers of help I have from wonderful peers, I can't farm out what I have to do.  I just have to keep swimming until I get to the surface.  What worries me the most is that I don't remember feeling like this so early in the year ever before. 

I know this year is like no other I have ever had...and that isn't just because of my Brian.  It's a new curriculum and textbook.  It's a new policy concerning the children's quality of work and I am one of the lifeguards...is it irony then that I am the one drowning? 

I am a strong swimmer.  I'll get there.  I'm just so tired. 

Brian's second treatment is coming up.  He's been a little tired lately.  His hair is starting to come out slowly.  I think we are about to get another dose of cancer reality after having it pretty easy these last few weeks.  It's ok.  We are ready.  Pass me my floaties.

Just Another Monday

It's Monday again. We had a hectic weekend...Brian felt good enough to go to Grapefest so you know I jumped up and we went to Grapevine. We didn't stay long--too hot!--but we had a nice time. I finally tackled the house cleaning. Got our fair share of football watching in, too. Go Frogs and Colts!

I think the litter box is still patiently waiting for me...dang it.

Brian went to the doctor today. He had to go alone today because it was set for the middle of the day and I guess I can't be there for every little thing. He met with the PA this time.

He got a good report. The stomach pain he felt was probably the chemo shrinking the lymph nodes around his diaphragm...we'll take that kind of tummy pain! We need to do a little work to keep the mouth sores away, but that's easily done. Baking soda mouthwashes, here we come! He needs a flu shot on the 30th--the day before his next treatment because his counts will be highest then.

If you're sick, he has to avoid you. (Sorry about that.) He has to wash his hands often and make sure his food is cooked...no more sushi. (Good thing he hates it.)

That's about it. See what an easy patient? Still waiting on that hair to fall out...I'm thinking of taking bets...make some money on him while I wait.