Spring Fever

I wish I knew why I always feel so restless this time of year.  My birthday?  The spring and everything blooming?  The winds blowing everything around?  The crazy school year finally almost over?

I have no idea. 

I just know that this time of year I always feel like taking off for parts unknown and disappearing for awhile.  I never did that really.  Too scared when I was younger.  I didn't really start taking worthwhile risks until my late twenties.  The year I turned 30 was the best year.

So every subsequent birthday I have joked that it's the anniversary of that birthday.  But I don't think it's for the reason that people think.  It's not about not wanting to get older, though no one really does, I'm sure.  30 was a very good year for me. 

I took risks.  I did what I always said I would.  I bought a house. I bought myself a diamond ring.  I started my masters degree.  I also got my first stitches--unplanned and not particularly fun--but the experience that the stitches resulted from was an extremely good time and another first for me.  Horseback riding with my friend "without supervision" from my brother.  I enjoyed the heck out of life that year. 

I fell back into a comfortable routine after that.  I had done my daring things, after all. I couldn't just up and leave.  I had a boyfriend, a house, a real job, and was going to school.  So while I had done some great things, I had also tied myself down tighter than ever.  And sometimes I would look up to breathe on beautiful sunny afternoons and think, "What the heck, Heather?  That's not what you had in mind, was it?" 

I tend to act first and think later.  And usually that works out fine.  But sometimes, when I think too hard, it gives me pause. 

I know it seems like I'm whining. I'm not.  More like reflecting.  I wouldn't change my life.  Except having the disposable income to run off when I need to get a breath of fresh air every now and then, but who doesn't need that? 

It just seems like these last two years, our family has been hit a little harder than we are used to.  First Nonnie.  Then Brian.  Then Grandpa got sick and is struggling to get well.  And now Mom is facing some health issues. 

And our first year without Nonnie is drawing to a close.  And I didn't go to the Easter Egg Hunt today in Bridgeport.  I feel guilty about it.  But I'm having trouble with my grief lately and while I know that my family would have gladly helped me, I just didn't want to dump it on them. They are still hurting, too. 

Today was about watching the babies play on  the lawn, looking for the lovingly decorated eggs.  Partly because I didn't have a baby to set on the lawn to go hunt eggs. That stings, too.  And I don't have to be there for them to know that.  I don't deserve how much they love me through my...quirks and being difficult. 

So, I'm going to hope that these terrible winds help blow away this itch to run (or that the new treadmill to be delivered on Tuesday will be helpful) and that I can get a hold of myself.  Because I have a feeling that this sadness I feel for my grandmother yet and for all the of the life changing illness in our family this year would just follow me where ever I tried to disappear.