You may remember that I started a training program for a 5k. It seemed like a great idea at the time. I needed exercize and I had support from my friend and Brian.
But in the last week or so, I have been pretty stressed out again. Mostly because I am finally beginning to feel the effects of acting like everything is fine when it's really not fine. I'm starting to understand that just because Brian is able to work and we go about our daily lives, things still really aren't fine and I don't have to act like they are all the time.
I did work out this week, but not the workout prescribed by the trainers at Luke's and I knew when we got started this morning that it was not going to go well. My endurance is still embarrassingly disappointing. But I was there. It was 7 am on a Saturday morning. I was going to give it a go. I immediately fell behind just in the warm up, jogging around the building.
Ok. No big deal. Chin up and all that. We broke into our groups. I accept that I am Princess of the Tortoise Group. I had already told Julie that if she needed to leave me behind she could. I'm pretty sure on some level I didn't really mean it, but I would never tell her to stay with me and hold her back. She's the one doing me a favor just dragging me with her.
I kept up with my group until it was time to run. They left me in the dust. The route is up hill and if you look to your left, you have an excellent view of Bluebonnet Cemetery...so peaceful....so convenient if you fall out and can't make it any further.
I was busy picking out my plot as I walked along crying, mad at everyone. Mad at my group for leaving me. Mad at Julie for her big idea. Mad at me for accepting the challenge and then not being able to handle it. Most of all mad at me for being mad at people who were completely innocent. And then I realized I was mad and crying because I just needed to be mad and cry. Why on earth would God think Brian and I could handle cancer for our first wedding anniversary? What would we be given for our second for goodness sake? There are still so many things that I am worried about that I don't dwell on but are still bubbling under the surface. I don't know how Brian does it. Must ask that.
I must have looked a little crazy to the runners passing me on their way back. They politely smiled and greeted me; I just wiped away another tear and scowled, staring straight ahead at my group getting further and further from me. I was pretty glad that at least Luke's is nowhere near a neighborhood in which I usually hang out. So when the neighbors start talking about that crazy chick who cries when she runs on Saturday morning, I won't bump into them at the grocery store.
I wanted to just turn around, go back to my car and drive home right then. I'm not sure why I didn't. Julie came back to check on me and through my tears I told her that I was done. I wasn't coming back. She said she understood. I said that I would tell her when I had hit my limit and couldn't do anymore between the Gillian Shred and the running. If this was it, it was ok. She trotted off and caught up to the group while I went back to picking my cemetery plot and being angry at the universe.
Finally I saw up ahead that the little group had turned. I was determined to at least keep walking toward them until we met. I found that I could jog again by this time, so I kept up as best I could.
One remarkable lady in our group ran more than she walked though it was clearly very tough for her. She jogged up next to me and in between breaths she asked my name again and said, "Don't worry, Heather. We've got this." And then she continued to run alongside me. Well, crap. If she can do it, I can--right?
After awhile, she ran on while Julie and the instructor slowed a bit for me. They tried to engage me in their conversation, but I childishly wasn't interested. I was embarrassed not only by my shabby endurance, but by wanting to quit.
When we made it back, Tracey revealed we had gone 2 miles in 30 minutes. We talked about pacing and how to work on that. She talked to me specifically how to improve pacing...if I was still interested.
I thought about Julie and how dedicated she is to changing her life and what an amazing friend and source of hope she has been for me. I thought about Brian and how proud he is that I have taken this on.
I threw an arm around Julie and Tracey and said,"Well, girls, I guess I'll see you next week." Even if it kills me.
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