This Time of Year

Many of my Facebook friends have posted their thankfuls daily this month.  While there are countless things for which I am thankful, my family always tops the list.  We have a large, fun-loving extended family that makes a point of getting together for Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Anything else we can manage with about 40 total of us is bonus. 

This is my mother's family.  My grandparents were married for about 60 years.  Nonnie and Grandpa (also known as Groucho to the rest of the family and most of Bridgeport) were the Leave it to Beaver kind of parents and grandparents.  I knew a TV Land sort of childhood.

And so it seemed my grandparents must be immortal.  Until late April of this year.  Nonnie's health had been gradually declining, though I think if you had asked any of the 8 grandchildren we would have been in pretty big denial.  I am the oldest grandchild and I am 35 years old.  Surely we would always have our grandparents.  God had been so good for so long. 

Nonnie went in to the hospital for what we were assured would be a procedure that would actually make her condition better.  Her balance wasn't very good, things like that.  This was supposed to help.  Only it didn't.  On my mother's birthday, her mother went into a coma from which she would not return. 

We are a close family.  We are.  But there are many things that we don't hash out.  This has been one.  Still too painful.  I have had many friends and acquaintances lose a grandparent.  I have always had the deepest sympathy for them, but I have had no clue about the enormous, raw, gaping hole it leaves in your life.  Even 6 months later.  

Our family reunion this summer with my grandmother's side of the family was great fun as it always is, but a huge part was missing.  It was so surreal.  Grandpa was there, so you just kept looking for her.  And you almost saw her.  Her mark on the family is that strong.

I see pictures of her all over our house and my parents' house from past family celebrations--Christmases, weddings, anniversaries.  I still cry nearly every time.  I thank God every day she was at our wedding, and I'm so sad that she won't actually hold our babies with me instead of holding them in heaven before I do.  

So this time of year, I am up before 5 am on Thanksgiving because while I can't wait to see the family at lunch, I am heartbroken that Nonnie won't actually be there.  I know she will be there because she created this family with my sweet Grandpa (who will be there, thank goodness), but forgive me if "in spirit" just isn't the same.  I'd rather be able to hug her neck the way I used to.  I don't mean to be selfish. 

I just wish that this time of year that I could turn back the clock.