Being There Is Not Enough

Last night it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Just sitting beside Brian holding his hand really isn't enough anymore.  Especially right now.

You see, we found out last night that the new house appraised for the value we needed, so we really will be moving in just a few short weeks.  He's scared to death because we are keeping the little house we live in now and will be leasing it.  Owning one house is mind-numbing enough.  Owning two is positively petrifying. 

My knight in shining armor is a worrier by nature anyway...well, except when it comes to lumps he ought to have checked out around his collarbone, but I digress...(just kidding, sweetie!!) He worries about money and the people he loves.  He doesn't so much worry about himself.  He is selfless.  And that is the truth. 

So, when it comes to spending large sums of money at once, he is rather reluctant and apprehensive...who wouldn't be?  Especially when there isn't a bunch more money lying around to make up for it.

I would say buying this house has been along the lines of double root canals for Brian with odd moments of euphoria thrown in.  He can see the fun in it; he's just able to put all the practical stuff first.  Me, I put all the fun first and the practical stuff in when I have to.

Last night when Brooke called to tell us about the appraisal and I could tell he still wasn't as happy as I was, I told him how proud I am of him and how glad I am we are together.  He looked surprised by that and I hated that.  I do not want him surprised by those statements!  But I realized that I must not be saying them enough. 

I am so grateful for that man.  Every hour. Every day.  I have been since the day I met him.  And dumb ol' cancer hasn't changed that a bit.  I am so proud of him--the work he does, the love he gives me, the fight he puts up against cancer, the logical arguments he provides...he is the best gift I have ever received. 

When Brian was diagnosed, I went right out and bought a bunch of Hallmark cards that I planned to leave around for him occasionally when I thought he might need a smile.  I haven't pulled them out as often as I planned (obviously).  I was shopping that day next to a lady buying a bunch of cards for her nephew, newly shipped out to Afghanistan.  Neither of us really knew what to say to each other except that we would both be praying for each man's safety. 

Just being there isn't enough.  But I hope that Brian knows that I get up and wog because of him every morning, fighting my own kind of fight.  I smile every day because I get to be his wife, not some other schmoe's.  I am an awfully lucky woman...and I gotta go now before I get too emotional all over the keyboard...holy snickerdoodles.