Man, I Hope It's Just PMS

This Christmas has been difficult. Despite the miracle of Brian being finished with his treatments and our beautiful new house, I've had a hard time not crying most of the time. 

I was up at 3 am on Christmas Eve...unable to sleep again.  I don't know what it is about holidays this year.  I did the same thing on Thanksgiving. 

I waited as long as I could and I started baking.  I didn't want to wake Brian up with the smells of what was cooking.  And then most of it wasn't great.  Still figuring out my oven.

Christmas always seems to slip away from me.  I never find time to get out and look at lights on houses.  I don't have friends over for eggnog--or other drinks.  I don't find the time to bake cookies.  I barely found the time this year to watch some of the holiday movies.  I didn't get down to look at the Christmas tree downtown where Brian proposed three years ago now.  I got my tree up as soon as I could and have been listening to Christmas music for as long as I can.  That's about as far as I got this year.  Or as far as I have I gotten in the last several years. 

I love this time of year; it's the prettiest...all the sparkling lights and beautiful music.  I love finally getting to see the whole family.  Usually it's been awhile since I've seen them.  This year it had been almost 7 months since I had seen everyone together.  Brian had been diagnosed and had all his treatments in between the time we had seen everyone. 

I just can't shake this sadness that occasionally descends.  I guess I shouldn't really be surprised by it.  It's been an emotional year.  I just wish I felt like I did Christmas "better."

I don't know exactly what I even mean by that.  Maybe begin some traditions for Brian and me. Like the breakfast casserole I made for Christmas Eve morning.  I'd like to figure out my oven so I could bake some goodies for the neighbors rather than doing fruit baskets...though I know it's the thought that counts. 

I am looking forward to starting at our new church we've picked out. It didn't work out for us to go during Christmas. I know that will help me feel like I am "doing Christmas better."

I hate being all emotional...whatever the reason is.  I've had more headaches lately, too.  I hope it's pms.  But I guess I can understand why with the crazy year, good and bad, we've had why I might be a little off the deep end.