Port Day

This morning Brian will have his port put in to make chemo a bit easier. He's a bit nervous about the risks, but he has a sense of humor about it. His bravery continues to inspire me.

It's been easier the last few days to feel normal. We did things with friends that had nothing to do with the C word and no one really mentioned it. It was nice since this is our big week.

Chemo starts Friday.

It's raining cats and dogs this morning. A welcome break from the heat, but it feels a little ominous since we are to spend our day at the hospital. At least we won't be missing beautiful weather by being there all day.

I guess I went to bed too early last night though I was exhausted because here I am, up at four a.m. unable to sleep now. I'm not outwardly worried about today, but I guess there must be some anxiety pent up somewhere or I would still be snoozing away.

It's hard for me to know where I fit in to this picture sometimes. I'm on this journey with Brian and yet, there are many roads he will travel alone and I can't be there even when I'm right beside him. It's extremely difficult to know that there isn't much I can fix in this situation. The best I can do is just to be there. For a woman of action, that doesn't feel like much. Fortunately my rational side is telling me that it's more than enough. I'm selfish in many ways...I want to take care of him. I don't want anyone else butting in. He's my soulmate. It's my responsibility to make sure he's taken care of when he needs it.

Sometimes I feel like I go too far. Like when I caught myself checking his plate after he eats. He's already lost 10 pounds. He doesn't need to lose more. I apologized to him for praising him when he eats well. He's 44 years old, not 4. He just laughed and assured me it was okay.

It must be unbelievably hard for him to know that he will have to let me take care of him when he doesn't feel well. He always takes care of me. I don't open my own doors, or carry groceries, sweep the floors, fold laundry or mow the grass. (Although, admittedly, the mowing thing could be because I have a tendency to run over tree roots...)

I'm so thankful that we get to continue our life journey together after this detour. I'm having a difficult time seeing cancer as a gift, but it has already brought us closer together. We talk more. We are more affectionate and we say what needs to be said; I am not sorry for those things. So, I will be glad for those gifts from this strange source, and not take them for granted.