Reconciliation

I've been struggling within myself these last few weeks to reconcile who I am these days. Usually this time of year, teaching is who I am. All that changed quite a bit last fall when Brian and I got married. Teaching became more of what I do and being a wife became who I am.

This fall, teaching definitely does not feel like who I am. It was like moving a mountain to get myself to school this morning after the weekend of Brian's first chemo treatment. Now, I know there is no reason to sit at home; he is just fine. He hasn't felt sick at all, and you can bet he went off to fight crime today. But this weekend was so nice; it's harder and harder to tear myself away to go to my day job.

While I am at school, I am fully there, but I don't stay a minute longer than I have to. I skipped the kids' games today even though they asked me more than once to come to both the volleyball and football games. I skulked past the football field on my way home.

I'm not beating myself up about wanting to be with Brian more; it's just taking some adjusting to find a balance. For so long before we were married teaching was who I was, just as police work was who he is. I don't think it's that cut and dried for us anymore, and it shouldn't be. Especially now. If we have the privilege of having children, it will further complicate the roles I play, but I would welcome the pleasant insanity.

I suppose I'm just ever more grateful for the little moments. I'm hoping that it doesn't take a major trauma to remind me who I want to be ever again.