Retail Therapy?

I spent the weekend shopping.  I had a splendid time with the two friends I spent the days with, and I found some cute clothes but something keeps nagging at me. 

I have gained quite a bit of weight since Brian and I got married...no, those of you who are shaking your heads and saying, "Oh you have not," are sweet, but the scale and my clothes from last year don't lie.  Neither does the ratzin, fratzin mirror.  So, I know one of the things nagging at me is the fact that right now, I have to buy these cute clothes in slightly larger sizes. 

Of course, I also bought a workout video and hand weigths as well.  I do have a plan.  Thank you for your wise counsel, Julie. My meal plan for tomorrow is already made. 

But I think what REALLY bugs me is that I can't cure what really ails me with retail therapy--even if I was currently a size 6. 

I can't MAKE Brian well.  I know he will BE well.  But I watched him count off on the calendar tonight when his treatments would be and I realized that they would only take place on those days IF he is well enough to have his treatments.  When I told him that, his sweet face fell and I didn't enjoy being the voice of reason.  The GROWN UP voice. 

I felt very out of sorts with my spending by the second store today (also probably because I only got paid Friday and it's Sunday.  I won't get paid again until Oct. 25th or so.) and I started to think about why. 

I hadn't bought anything I didn't like or wouldn't wear.  But I felt a little...angry.  And it's not Time For Aunt Flo...so I dug deeper.  Why am I upset?  Brian is sweeter than ever.  We get along better than ever.  Why am I upset?  We are planning for trips and the future.  Why am I angry? 

I can't fix it.  And I have to let it happen in its course.  I promise I've given it to God, but sometimes I have to go and check on it.  Not that it isn't being handled, but being the good Southern girl I am, I just want to help in any way I can.  And I know I am helping the only way I can. It just doesn't seem like enough. Brian is so patient. 

I'll tell you why I'm also annoyed and it's silly. I've said it before.  I don't like that I can't go to chemo on Friday.  I know I don't need to go.  There isn't any need for me to go.  Chris will entertain him just fine.  Yeah, I did say I know it's silly. 

So, I spent a lot of money this weekend and spent some quality time with good friends.  Time well spent, yes...money?  Hmmmm...check out my outfits this week...